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August 8, 2012
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That's where my story came in.  It had started out more as a journal, really, but then it transformed itself into something much deeper and darker.  It was as though I was trying to put my mind on paper.  That idea, though, was rather ridiculous.  There was no way I could ever really put my thoughts on paper.  Paper could be read and my thoughts were mine alone.

I flipped open the tattered and 'well loved' journal that I kept my story in.  It was decorated in a unique way, the cover was less drawn on than carved into with flowers and random designs that spoke of long days full of boredom and ink-less pens.  Biting the back of my pencil, I began:


Amona picked up the rose that had fallen to the floor, gasping when a thorn pricked her finger, leaving a trail of blood down the green stem.  Her eyes were drawn from the flower upward when the cool voice of her lover called from the balcony above the great entrance hall.  Even with the impending doom of her world, she couldn't help but smile when the beautiful form of Tsiev, the demon queen, graced her sight.  Her dark hair hung down her back in loving curls, and her tight bodice outlined the sensual curve of her breasts.

"My love," Tsiev's silky voice beckoned.  Amona's arm fell limp, the rose dropping once again to the floor.  Tsiev held her hand out to her and Amona nearly ran up the stairs.  The woman's arms opened invitingly as her lips curled into a smile.

"Even as the world falls apart, my dear," Tsiev murmured, "we will be together.  You are my rose in this world of thorns and I will keep you here forever, to cherish and love."

"You needn't keep me.  I will stay willingly, my queen, for all the shades of eternity.  This world is meaningless without you in it.  Let the world crumble, let the traitors perish in their hate, and let the stars fall from the heavens.  So long as I have you, I will be happy."

"Yes, as will I.  But we must still try to do what we can for the sake of our kingdom.  The Dream People will do everything in their power to bring this place to the ground.  Only here can we be together forever, never touched by the world.  Are you willing to pledge your soul to me and remain ever beside me in this place?  Remember that there is no going back once the vow has been made.  I do not wish to keep you from those you love."

"I am willing, Tsiev.  I always have been.  You are the only one I love in this world," Amona replied, her hands cupping Tsiev's neck as they kissed passionately.

"Good, then we will be able to do this.  But I must ask, will you not miss your family?"

"No," she said, looking to her feet, the fresh betrayal still heavy in her heart, "They abandoned me and so I shall abandon them as well."  Her eyes glistened with tears, but she bit her lip and looked hopefully up at Tsiev.  What did she need any of them if she had this beautiful queen as her own?

"I will always be there for you, Amona," she said, tucking a strand of Amona's hair behind her ear.  Amona smiled and wrapped her arms around Tsiev's thin waist, her head resting against the queen's shoulder.

"Then we shall exist forever in the universe as lovers tied by the spider's web of fate," Amona whispered.

"We shall.  Now, let us face the wrath of the Dream People."

"Together."

With that they linked hands and left the palace to face what might be their final battle.  But they did not care.  Death meant nothing to them if only they had each other.  In that way they would live on forever.


I paused and put down my pencil, looking up at the blackboard to make sure there was nothing important to write down or listen to.  It seemed that there wasn't.  Not that that was surprising.  But I sometimes wished that there was something in the school that made it worthwhile.  Right now it seemed like the only thing I had was Maria . . . And sometimes even she appeared to be slipping from my grasp.

Burying my face in my hands, I inhaled, trying not to let my emotions overwhelm me.

"That's it for the lesson," the teacher said, her hand waving passively at the blackboard, "Use the rest of the period to study for the test!"

"What test?" a chorus of students asked.  Mrs. Kape chuckled and went into a tirade about how she was so forgetful neglecting to mention our test next period.  I rolled my eyes and returned to my notebook.  My characters may have gone through hell every day of their lives, but at least they weren't stuck here with me.  I picked up my pencil, nibbling on the back before I started writing again.


Tsiev was amazing in her calm demeanor as the two took their first steps onto the field of the Dream People.  There was never any doubting that she was a queen of power to be revered and feared.  The very air about her seemed to crackle with her omnipotence.  Deneve's eyes were fixed not on the battle unfolding in front of her, but on the beauty of her lover.

"It's time," Tsiev said, releasing Amona's hand and reaching for the double swords fastened to her back.  The blades glimmered with a light from within.  Magic blades that would slay the dream people with little more than a scratch.  Amona unsheathed her own weapon, a elegantly arched sword and a lethal dagger bequeathed to her by the queen herself.  The dagger was no great beauty like the twin blades of the queen, but it was enchanted with powers the Dream People could not know of, never missing a target whether used to block or to strike down a foe.

The Dream People were larger than Tsiev and Amona, having grown in the blessing of the Gods.  There was no such love for the Demon Queen and her kind.  Though Amona was once one of the Dream People, she forsook that all for her love of the Demon Queen.  She did not wish to ever be separated from her.

It was that resolution that began the fight.  Amona's sword whipped from side to side as she smote the Dream People by the side of her queen.  The numbers seemed overwhelming as Amona gazed out over the battlefield.  Even with Tsiev's power and their magic weapons, there was just no way that two women could keep away the onslaught of Dream People.  An unseen blade struck out at Amona, catching her side.  She could feel the hot burn of the metal, but she easily reacted, throwing her dagger which hit true into the heart of her enemy.  Her side stung and Amona spun around, eyes searching.

It was only a matter of time before the two of them were surrounded.  Amona's eyes finally lit over Tsiev, her pale skin speckled with red, her eyes fiery with passion.  Amona gasped the queen's name, her free hand reaching for the Demon Queen.

"Amona," Tsiev whispered, the queen's eyes wide as they fell upon her.  "As one."

"For all the shades of eternity," Amona said.  If this was truly their last battle, their last stand together, they would be forever inseparable in the comforting embrace of oblivion.


A sharp sound made me jump about a foot in the air, dropping my pencil in an impressive arch, sending it skidding across the room to settle under Kaillen's sneaker.  The twit gave me a humorous grin with an arched brow as she picked it up.  I looked at the clock, noting that I was already going to be late for third period, and started shoving my things back in my bag.  Kaillen walked over and put the pencil in my hand, playfully ruffling my hair, which did not stay messed up for long on account of its fine texture.

"You ready for Pre Calc.?" Kaillen asked.

"I'm never ready for Pre Calc.," I said, shaking my head.
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four

Chapter two of my story Shades of Eternity.

WARNING: contains lesbians

I'm not quite happy with this chapter so critique will be greatly appreciated. I have chapter three written too and I'll upload it possibly next week if I find the time to edit it.

Everything me :icontaraprince:

:iconccwelcomedplz1::iconccwelcomedplz2:
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PearlsCat Aug 8, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I actually really, really liked this chapter! I didn't catch any grammatical errors, (though mind you, I suck at finding grammatical errors) and again, the characters are developing awesomely. I love how you made the transitions from the character's writing to reality--and I would say you could even make them more abrupt if you wanted to. For example, you don't have to say how the character "picked up a pencil and continued writing," and instead perhaps "the drone of the teacher's voice faded away as my attention slipped from her grasp again..."

Or something of the sort. ^^"

Um...again, more description would be nicer. Just give us the full picture . Even the smallest details can improve the imagery. The tiles of the floor, the feel of notebook paper, the sound of breathing--use lots of different sensory details, not just sight.

I'm excited to see how this story plays out. Also know that everything I've critiqued on in your story are things I have trouble with. So don't feel hopeless, because these are things everyone has trouble with.
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:icontaraprince:
TaraPrince Aug 8, 2012  Student Writer
:D Thanks again for the critique (and don't worry, it doesn't dissuade me, I genuinely appreciate it).

I'll try to pay attention to the description when I'm writing the next chapter. Thanks for pointing out the use of all senses as I always seem to neglect that. Dialogue is my strong point so I know my narrative needs some work. :XD:

About the transitions, do you think a more abrupt change would make it more interesting or is there other reasoning behind it? (Just curious.)

Also, if you're interested you might look at some of my other work. I'd love to hear your thoughts on it :)
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:iconpearlscat:
PearlsCat Aug 8, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
The transition is very opinion based. I think it would be more interesting it it was more abrupt. However, if you like it the way it is, don't change it. It's your writing, not mine. :)

I will definitely check out your gallery, in my free-time.

And thanks for the fav, by the way.
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:icontaraprince:
TaraPrince Aug 8, 2012  Student Writer
I was just curious, I'll see where it goes next time I revise.

And you're welcome, that was a lovely piece :)
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